Aftermath

Well, its all over. As promised your intrepid MARC reporter visited the Odenton Station Tuesday morning around 9. I know it was a little late, but I figured there would still be evidence of rioting, looting, and general chaos.

If there had been any of that you would be gazing upon pictures of burning MARC train carriages, the charred shell that used to be the coffee shop, the smoking remains of the station itself.

But there was none of that to show. Less than a hundred cars were in the lot. No passengers milling about. Only maintenance crews laying down a fresh layer of salt on the platform. There were four county police cars patroling the area. Obviously MARC and other State officials who read this blog took the necessary precautions to rob me of the opportunity to say I told you so!

With liberal leave in effect for federal workers today, there should be good parking today. I'll see you there!

By the way, you may have noticed a new MARC Poll has been posted...vote today! Also I have added a new feature that is supposed display "feeds" from various sources.

Jeff Quinton of Inside Charm City fame is an intrepid MARC commuter and usually posts reliable service conditions through out the day.

And Luisa of Commuter Rail to Hell fame posts her kindred commentary on how MARC is screwing up her life now and again.

MARC Inaugural Train

Over the last two months or so, this blog has been visited by people all over the country. Judging by their Goolge search strings, they are the folks who have rented everything with a roof and indoor plumbing in advance of the Inaugural.

If you were one of the folks who checked this blog for "official" information, you were no doubt disappointed. However, if you were checking this blog for a realistic, user-oriented perspective on the MARC train service to DC and back then I hope you found what you were looking for.

At this point, hours away from the Big Day, all of the $25 reserved-seat tickets and souvenir programs have been sold-out. Never fear, the much maligned free market, conspiring yet again to provide scarce commodities and resources at a price the market will bear, has as late as yesterday been offering these tickets on Craig's List and e-bay.

About these tickets, one visitor came to this blog wondering: "do you have to give them your marc train ticket or can you keep" them? While I have never seen one, I can only imagine that, as with everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) Obama the special $25 inaugural tickets are decorated to the hilt with The One's name and images. I do not believe the MTA did this just so they can be collected by the MARC train conductors.

About the legendary MARC train customer service one visitor asks: "what food services are on board marc trains"? I don't think I addressed such a question in any of my posts, so here goes: There is no food service on board MARC trains.

Another visitor is looking for "help getting to marc train station on Jan. 20th." As far as I know it's every man for himself. Via con Dios.

Seeking wisdom from the Oracle at Yahoo a visitor asks: "are metro and marc trains the same thing?" Unfortunately, not. The METRO is a light-rail system designed to carry passengers, packed like sardines in safety and comfort. The system is completely computer controlled and designed to minimize disruptions in service by providing track-level power and easily maintained rolling-stock.

The MARC train is, by comparison, a series of lumbering hulks dragged up and down Amtrak and CSX railbeds that are in some places centuries old. Also centuries old is the management-style that forces Marylanders to pay people union scale to walk up and down the carriages collecting and in some case selling tickets (though not on Inauguration Day). As they did when trains were powered exclusively by steam, these conductors punch holes in paper tickets, chase freeloaders off and shout "All Aboard!" It's all very quaint, kind of like some of the nostalgia rides in Disneyworld and Williamsburg. Quaint, but not a very efficient use of resources and not a very effective way of providing a reliable service.

Which brings me to the next question: "Is the Marc train running on Wednesday evening?" This would be The Day After the Jubilee. For those poor souls finding themselves in DC on Jan. 21 (and I may be one of them) my simple answer is: Maybe. That is, the trains may be running or not depending on the reliability of the system I described above. It's an even bet at best. As with all such bets, it's best to hedge, or have a Plan B.

MARC on Inauguration Day

A sizable fraction of the 2 million pilgrims expected to attend the inaugural ceremony and festivities on Jan. 20th, will doubtlessly be taking advantage of the Penn Line trains, stations, restrooms, parking lots, and coffee shops.

That fraction is referred to by transit authorities as "crush capacity." This is comparable to the Dangerous Overcrowding that MARC victims subject themselves to nearly twice a day during tourist season. The Department of Homeland Security thought it necessary to put out an advisory this week warning of the expected throng's impact on the local infrastructure. Not for us, of course. We are used to it. But the pilgrims may want to reconsider.

Given the expected crush, I invite my hardy band of MARC fans who have the day off anyway, to join me on MARC-Town Hill overlooking Odenton Station to bear witness to this event. We will need to cover the parking lots (both Old, New and Loser Lot) to witness and take digital photos of the mayhem that will no doubt ensue. I can't be everywhere at once. We'll need witnesses for the coffee shop, and the station, the tunnel (where trampled pilgrims are likely to get caught first). Bring a set of two-way walky-talkys and a half dozen donuts.

I will set up a command post in the Ford F-150 on MARC-Town Hill. All coffee and donuts will be available from the Command Vehicle on rotating shifts. Bonus donuts will be awarded to the shift that brings in the most outrageous story and pictures.

Now since they are running only 12 trains starting at 5 am. I figure that if we get there by 6 we should be in good shape of hours of fun.

Why do I expect there to be anymore chaos and confusion than MARC perpetrates on the commuting public on a daily basis? Because on Jan 20th, these people are not going to be regular commuters. They are going to be tourists paying $25 each to be crushed into MARC carriages that will most likely be full before they even get to Odenton. The potential for friction between the pilgrims and the working stiffs who don't get the day off or can't take the day off is great.

And I don't expect MARC customer service to magically appear either, unless MARC gives the regular crew a break and hires airline stewards and stewardesses. And they will be using the same locomotives and carriages whose chances of breaking down on any given day are pretty good.

So let's sum up: Same equipment, same "service," at five times the regular price. A recipe for disaster. Well, that is what I am predicting, anyway. And if it turns out to be wrong, I'll blog about that too.

MARC Train Merchandise Catalog

Stuck for gift ideas for the MARC train commuter who has everything? Well here it is, just in time for Father's Day, Mother's Day, Easter, Graduation, Independence Day, Labor Day, Verterans Day, Christmas, Hanukkah, Ramadan, and of course Kwanzaa... the long-awaited MARC train Merchandise catalog! The MARC...Train product development team has filled the catalog with all manner of doodad, thingamajig and whatsit that can be made by Chinese prison labor for a penny, coated with toxic waste that Chinese industries are foolish enough to give away for free and sold here in America for no more than $9.95.

Here are just a few of the items that will soon be available from popular on-line merchandise ordering websites. Each item is specially designed to resemble handcrafted memorabilia of your MARC train experience no matter how short!

What about that single one-way trip on the MARC train you took after a former friend recommended the convenient-when-working train service to BWI only to miss your non-refundable flight to Cancun due to "a mechanical problem" with the train? You'll never forget it with a MARC commemorative One-Way Ticket Stub Display Case! Brushed Aluminum (or Brass) frames the sturdy, scratch-resistant plexi-glass for an air- and water-tight seal to ensure that little memento will last forever!

The reproduction MARC Platform Electronic Message Marquee paperweight! Fondly recall the years of wondering when those gaudy things hanging menacingly over the heads of MARC train commuters would display any useful information or anything at all! Be the first in your cube-farm to display the 1/16-inch scale model of the actual MARC Penn-Line standard equipment. Add two AAA batteries and the marquee will display three "messages" 1. MARC Train Station, 2. Train Number 417, due to depart Odenton Station at 8:33 am, Southbound to Washington DC is operating 10 to 12 minutes late, and 3. Random lights!

A keepsake copy of a semi-faux version of last month's MARC train schedule! This authentic-looking, accordion-style pamphlet will give anyone the impression that they are holding an actual MARC train schedule Vol. MCDXII No. 137! But a closer look will reveal a humorous yet strangely familiar take on their recent MARC train experience. Also available in a plexi-glass and brushed aluminum or brass frame.

Tired of getting "that look" from your boss after walking in the door late again due to "mechanical problems"? Well, imagine the look on his face when you produce an Authentic MARC Train Excuse signed by John Porcari, Knuckledragger-in-Chief of the Maryland Department of Transportation! That's right, a full month's supply of personalized excused lateness memos on MDoT letterhead, give the official "O.K." to that day's lateness. Each excuse is addressed to your boss (simply supply the name!) and personalized to you. You fill in the date and train number using your own pen and ink, and bingo! You have an official excuse.

And what merchandise website would be complete without T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with some of the catchy slogans first made popular by Mike Netherland and his Blogs? Slogans such as:
1. Never Run for a MARC Train....They don't Run for You!
2. CAUTION...Dangerous Overcrowding
3. "Jus' Push the Door Open, Man!"
4. "Commuters Riot"
5. I'm in the Loser Lot

And much, much more!

Smart Benefits and CommuterDirect

Well, since it has been two months since my last posting on this blog, I thought I would at least put in a few words before the year is out. I am home sick with the flu today so I have nothing better to do.

First, I have figured out the secret to getting your Metro SmartBenefits, your MARC monthly ticket AND your Smart Trip card funded through CommuterDirect. I have been getting my MARC pass in the mail from CommuterDirect for the past three months, for the past two the charges have been correctly applied from my SmartBenefits and from my credit card.

But it was only until last month that I finally got the the remaining SmartBenefits allocated to my SmarTrip Card. Apparently you have to do this from a Metro fare machine. And apparently there are instructions for doing this on the Metro web site but I couldn't find them.

[NOTE I had a link to the PDF but that went dead when the webmonkeys over at WMATA decided to change their site. Kelly has scanned the hardcopy for us, but I can't figure out how to post the thing here. Soooooo if you want the thing e-mail at me at netherman79@gmail.com and I'll send it to you...for free! I know it's a bleeping valuable thing, and I shouldn't just bleeping give it away....but it is bleeping illegal to try to sell bleep you don't own!]

MARC-Town Center in Odenton

OK, MARC Train fans, get ready to move to Odenton! According to an article in last night's Kapital-paper, that's the place to be if you catch the MARC train in Odenton. Because if you don't live there, you sure as heck are not going to be able to drive and park there when the 400,000 square-foot, high-density, mixed use complex really gets going.

"Its supporters say it will be the essence of a transit-oriented development," according to newshound Joshua Stewart, who couldn't seem to find anyone to express a healthy skepticism about the impact the project will have on those who rely on the already-stretched-to-the-limit MARC system and infrastructure in Odenton. Obviously Mr. Stewart has not seen this blog.

The herd of veteran Odenton station devotees will note that the MARC system was already overwhelmed 10 years ago when the Town Center Plan had been collecting dust for only 30 years. Apparently Mr. Stewart doesn't read his own newspaper which a few weeks ago clued us in to the fact that MARC system upgrades on the Penn line and to the Odenton station itself were cut from next year's budget.

It took the MTA 10 years just to acquire the land on the opposite side of Rt. 175 to build an overflow parking lot which, now, thanks to excellent planning is itself overflowing whenever the Camden Line shuts down passenger rail traffic in favor of the higher-paying freight business. MARC actually encourages the hapless Camden Line passengers to make the short drive over to Odenton and catch a Penn line train much to the delightful surprise of regular Penn Line victims at Odenton.

Now parking is just one of the two-dimensional limitations of the system and the one-dimensional limits of its planners' thinking and imagination. Another limitations is on the capacity of MARC train carriages. Already overflowing to Dangerous Overcrowding levels on early morning and evening trains, I am predicting that the MTA will have to hire riot-squads and start buying water cannons to deal with high-density, mixed-use passengers trying to board these trains. We will be seeing scenes like this one in Argentina when passengers there refuse to ride on the tops of that nation's commuter trains as they peacefully do in Bombay.

MARC-Town may turn out to be a boon for Odenton residents and businesses. However, they will have more than a few angry folks if they over-sell the "excellent access to the busiest MARC train station in the county." I am advising all potential leasees and apartment renters to read the fine print very carefully before buying into this fantasy.

Unless the MARC fairy Godmother appears, soon, with gobs of cash as well as a magic wand, there will only be misery or worse in store for us for the next ten years when we can all celebrate the golden anniversary of the Odenton Town Center Plan.

MARC Money

This is not looking good for me. You see, I promised the MARC-ons a flood of money-saving ideas the MTA could employee to scrape together a million dollars here and there. Well as you can see there are no comments on the Don't Hold Your Breath posting last week. So I have taken the liberty to suggest a few tips myself. Perhaps this will dislodged the fingers of my many readers' and permit them to type in a few of their own.

1. The first and easiest way to scrape together fast cash is to check between the cushions of the couches and chairs. You've done this at home and in college to help pay the rent or buy food. Now, the MARC fleet of single- and double-decker carriages has thousands of these little coin caches. The mind reels at the thought of how much rent and food you could score with that kind of treasure just waiting to be found.

2. Stop paying for the design and production of MARC train schedules. If I were the Knuckledragger-in-Chief of MARC, this is the first thing I would cut. If they are spending a dime they are spending half a million dollars publishing fictitious arrival and departure times. Not only are they completely arbitrary but they only set MARC management up for failure. If there is no schedule, MARC can hardly be accused of being behind it, now, can they?

3. Stop putting up those ridiculous electronic message marquees. There is no message of half of them all the time. The other half simply do not work. Talk about a waste of money! To recoup some of these squandered dollars I suggest the marquees be listed for sale on popular Internet classified and auction web sites like eBay.

More to come...